In the last post, we learnt about win/win solutions. But to think of win/win solutions, one has to understand other’s point of view. How will you do that? How can you understand other’s point of view and make them understand yours? The answer is within the book, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.’ The 5^th habit of the book written by the author Stephen R. Covey, ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ This habit is all about how to make your point clear to others, and for that, you have to understand their point of view first. So, let’s talk about this habit.

Are we really listening?

Imagine yourself in the conversation given below-

Doctor:                 Hey, what is the matter?

You: I don’t know my eyes are paining since last few days. Whenever I use….

Doctor: Oh! I get it, try using these spectacles (he gives you his own spectacles which he was using)

You tried it out, but no use.

You: Oh, this is terrible, I can’t even see properly.

Doctor: How come? These spectacles have helped me a lot when I was feeling sprain in my eyes. Try harder. Maybe you are not trying hard.

You: I am, but it is making me dizzy.

Doctor: It can’t be, you are not focusing.  (This example is from the book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.’)

Did you see the problem in this conversation? The doctor tried to help you with the solution which worked for him. These are called autobiographical responses. Responses we give according to our own autobiography.

When we are in conversation with others, most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply, they are preparing themselves to speak. They are reading their own autobiography into other people’s lives.

When we listen to and try to read our own autobiography in another person’s life, we tend to respond in one of the four ways.

1. We evaluate- We either agree or disagree.
2. We probe- We ask questions from our own frame of reference.
3. We advise- we give counsel based on our own experience.
4. We interpret- We try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behaviour, based on our own motives and behaviour.

Some of you might say, what is wrong in that? Maybe our own experience can help others in their problem. But I would say imagine yourself talking to your parents about your career problems or school problems (I know, not so difficult to imagine). How do they respond mostly? They usually talk about their own struggles and how they have reached in this position so that they can provide good facilities to you, in short, they are giving autobiographical responses. Do you feel that they understood your problems? I think no.

So this is the problem with autobiographical responses. You do not understand people, you are listening and preparing yourself to speak.

Now the question arises is, how can we then understand others?  The answer to this lies in empathic listening.

What is empathic listening?

Empathic (from empathy) listening gets you inside another person’s perspective. You see the world from their point of view, you understand how they feel.

According to this book, communication experts estimate that only 10% of our communication is represented by the words we say, another 30% is represented by our sounds, and 60% by our body language. Empathic listening includes listening to all these. In this, we not only listen with our ears but also our eyes and heart. We listen for feeling, for meaning and for behaviour.

Empathic listening is powerful because it gives you the exact data to work on. Instead of projecting your own autobiography, assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretations you are dealing with the reality inside another person’s head. You are listening to understand.

Now, how will you learn empathic listening? Empathic listening involves four developmental stages. Let’s have a look at these stages:

1. Mimic content- In this stage you just repeat what is said to you. You are not giving any advice or probing anything. You are showing that you are paying attention to what is being said.
2. Rephrase the content- In this stage you are rephrasing speaker’s meaning into your own words.
3. Reflect the feeling- In this stage, you are not paying much attention to what the speaker is saying, but more on how he is feeling.
4. The fourth stage includes both the 2^nd and the 3^rd. You rephrase the content and reflect the feeling. This is the final stage of empathic listening. Where you are focusing on trying to understand not only the speaker’s problem, the context but also his feelings and motives.

When you use the fourth stage of empathic listening, you are providing a comfort level. You showed him that you are interested in understanding him. You showed him that it is not you v/s him, but it is us v/s the problem. You both are on the same of the table. And you are trying your best to understand not only his problem but his feelings too.

Then seek to be understood

Imagine you went to a drug store, there a salesman asked you what you needed. You told him that you are looking for a new face wash. So, without listening to your needs he started suggesting you a face-wash.  You were not impressed, so you went to another store where you met another salesman, he asked you the same thing, and you told him what you need. He pretended to listen to you in the beginning and started advertising the new face-wash. After this, you went to another store where you met another salesman. He asked you, what is that you need, you told him that you are looking for a new face-wash, so instead of directly suggesting you a face-wash. He asked you some questions, like what is your skin type, what were the problems you were facing with the product you were using, and after listening to you, and understanding your problem he suggested you a new face-wash. He told you about the benefits of this face-wash, and how it can work on your skin. From which shopkeeper you would like to buy the product? I think we all know the answer, the last one.

This is what happens when you listen to others to understand. You increase the chances of being understood better.

When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most importantly, in the context of deep understanding of other people’s concerns, you increase the credibility of your ideas.

To summarize this long post, I can just say one thing, if you want your point to be understood, then you have to understand another person’s paradigms and concerns first. The book has also talked about how you can use this habit in not only your personal life but also in professional life. So if you want to learn more about this habit. Give this book a read.

I will see you in the next post, till then keep celebrating life.

With Love,

Komal

Tangled Tourista

Tangled Tourista is an online diary, which is about travel, food and books. Here you will read about book reviews and suggestions, tested travelling tips and about new cafes and restaurants around and their reviews.